Your Ego Is Making You Miserable

It’s been a long day. I return home just as the sun is setting and immediately change into comfortable clothes, grab a snack, and relax into the softness of my couch. 

Finally, I can relax. 

I grab the remote and click on the TV, bluelight blaring into my eyes, but I don’t care. This is my time. I browse through the channels, but something is off. Every other station is discussing the recent news, but instead of simply reporting on it, they’re taking the liberty to throw out insults, snide remarks, and lies. 

Democrats, they grumble, voices exasperated.

Republicans, says another with disdain.

No, no, says one, and I perk up, hoping it will be something important. It’s really that person’s fault for—

I shut the TV off. 

Egos. We all have them! Whether they are good or bad? That’s up for debate. Our ego is the foundation for who we are. Without it, we would not have any moral compass, values, or identity, all of which are essential for maintaining behaviors, authenticity, and our inner guide. They serve as our protection, but can also be our greatest enemy. 

Many times when I find myself in a conversation or debate regarding some topic or other, there is this drive to be one hundred percent correct. There is a satisfaction in being right and proving someone else wrong, especially somebody who has different opinions and values from me. The look on their face when they finally understand they’ve been corrected, the delicious sense of superiority that washes over me. 

Look, look! Look at me! I am so morally correct and superior and wise! My ego inflates and for the briefest moment my self-esteem rides high. Until it crashes and I’m back to looking for something else that will solidify my absolute rightness. Now, I’m not saying I go around picking fights and starting debates. No. But everyone has been in conflict at some point in their lives, undoubtedly riding the excitement of it. Most people love the drama, even if they say they don’t.

And what about the opposite end of the spectrum? Being wrong? Those feelings of humiliation, inferiority, the self-consciousness that it can stir. When I have been dubbed wrong, it always seems so personal. As if my values and morals have been attacked, picked apart, and deemed incorrect. My ego deflates, and I’m left to wallow in self-pity. Is that just me? 

There are people in this world who thrive on drama, who are constantly looking for something or someone to inflate their ego. Others avoid it at all costs, afraid of being proven wrong and afraid of their intelligence being questioned. There is, of course, much nuance to that statement. However, I would like to share a quote: “Whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that’s the ego in you.” –Eckhart Tolle. 

Ego is human nature. It comes in many shapes and sizes, and appears everywhere from small-scale interactions to those broadcast on TV. So I experimented. Almost a year ago, I was living in South Africa with seven roommates, and at the same time reading a book called The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene. Two chapters stood out to me. Chapter Two titled, “Transform Self-love into Empathy,” and underneath “The Law of Narcissism,” and Chapter Seven titled “Soften People’s Resistance by Confirming Their Self-opinion” and underneath “The Law of Defensiveness.” Together, these chapters stated that we all need attention, self-esteem, and the need to be listened to. However, most people would rather be the listenee than the listener. This need jumps out at every opportunity, an example being planning what you’re going to say next in a conversation while the other person is talking. Jumping at any chance to share your opinion because it's the best one…to you. 

Everyone was around the dinner table when I sat down, the seven of them already chatting. All I had to do was watch. Everyone was jumping at the chance to speak. I noticed quite a few people’s eyes darting around and their words already forming on their lips. But I also felt it within myself. Whenever somebody said something that challenged my morals and values and life experience, I felt a lump of words form in my throat. And oh boy, they wanted to come out so bad. 

I remained relatively quiet while the conversation bounced from one topic to the next, speaking when necessary. I was amazed at how eager everyone was (including me) to have their opinions and ideas confirmed. Which leads me into the second chapter I mentioned, the law of defensiveness. 

“We naturally must look after our own interests. We also want to feel like we are independent, doing our own bidding. That is why when others try to persuade or change us, we become defensive and resistant. To give in challenges our need to feel autonomous,” (172). Defensiveness, narcissism, and ego all go hand in hand. We don’t like to be told what to do. We don’t like to feel controlled. And we don’t like to be wrong. I see it on the news every evening, and when my self-esteem rides that high after winning an argument or debate. It’s why my roommates and I would all fight for space and attention in the form of a conversation. 

We are not doomed to be victims of our ego. In fact, if there is one thing I have learned in the last year, it’s that we have a lot more agency over our reactions, lives, and choices. You might be saying, duh! But the truth is, those things are easy to hear and say yet hard to understand, realize, and implement. We don’t have to let our egos control us, and they don’t have to be our enemies. 

For more information on egos and human nature I highly recommend reading the books The Laws of Human Nature by Robert Greene and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. For now, how can we work with our egos? How can we create a reality where we can simply observe their needs and desires? Or is it simply human nature? 

Sources: 

Greene, Robert. The Laws of Human Nature. Penguin Usa, 2018.

Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth : Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose. London, UK Penguin Books, 2016.